Meret's Blog # 2: Nutrition workshop conflict, aka diet burn-out

When walking to the copying machine the other day, I saw one of our students (who's very slim and appears pretty healthy, btw) eating a Big Mac and having a soda (I'm sure there were fries too...somewhere). And, my reaction was interesting: it was not "OMG what are you eating?!" or "Who eats that crap?!" It was more along the lines of my mind going completely blank, in the kind of "I'm stupefied"-way. I just simply didn't seem to grasp the concept that people eat that stuff. Then, I realized, I ate that stuff not terribly long ago. Then, I realized I haven't eaten any type of fast food (save the occasional late-night, post-delinquency slice of pizza) since FEBRUARY.

It just kinda hit me how much I've changed my eating over the past months. Instead of eating 2 giant carb-heavy meals a day and crappy-food-snacking (think cookies or chips), I eat 5-6 meals a day, make sure I have plenty of protein, veggies, fruit, healthy fats and have cut out pretty much all simple carbs, sweets and other junk food. Yes, sometimes I "stray," but it's never for long and the damage is never bad. But, lately, I'm just tired. It's like I have mental burn out: I don't want to count protein. I don't want to count calories. I don't want to be the food police, judging everything I eat as "good" or "bad." I simply don't want to have to THINK about food.

I'm very analytical and I like data (uhm...my daddy is a math researchers...like father, like daughter, huh?). I like to have a plan. It's probably a control thing...if I do this, this, and that and eat this much of that and compensate for eating that by doing this, then I can achieve this...blah, blah, blah. Can you see how that gets exhausting?! When I started with my personal trainer, Mike, I didn't change anything about my diet for about a month. And, guess what, in that first month I felt probably the best, mentally, about my new life-style. I was excited, I felt good physically and mentally, I wasn't doing measurements. The focus was entirely on how I felt. And, I felt fantastic. Then, my competitive streak kicked in and we began measurements. Soon thereafter, I began trying to "progress" further and I began modifying my diet - in very positive ways, for sure. But, at some point it became slightly obsessive. Now, I'm mentally completely drained.

This is actually the reason why I recently picked up "Intuitive Eating." I'm just no longer in the frame of mind where I want to think about food and nutrition - clearly, it's only a matter of time before this obsessive mindset makes me burn out and becomes no longer maintainable. Why should my brain be analyzing what to eat, when eating is a natural process? It should be second nature. I want to listen to my body and feed it what it needs to maintain my active life-style. I want to truly enjoy food and not feel guilty about it. Why don't I trust myself to intuitively KNOW what I need? Should I really be following some prescribed ideal? Do I really need an "expert" to tell me what to eat, when he or she is not the one who's in my body? Why don't I trust myself? Why is this so difficult?! Ugh. I'm annoyed.

I'm a healthy eater. I've reinforced healthy eating habits for the past year and I feel better than ever, but at some point I need to draw a line and acknowledge that I can and should trust my food decisions and give myself permission to eat according to them, without the associated guilty feelings. So far, "Intuitive Eating" has been very insightful and a lot of the negative eating behaviors and thoughts that seem to be prominent in our culture, definitely apply to me. I'm excited to implement some of the suggestions that the book outlines to help you "honor your hunger" and "make peace with food." However, now in light of the nutritional workshop, I'm having a bit of a conflict. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that I want to eat in this more "intuitive" way, with the fact that I'm supposed to be following the nutritional guidelines Ariane highlighted the other day during the nutritional workshop. The funny thing is, I think I eat that way anyways, naturally, so maybe I just need to stop overthinking it. What do you think, Ariane? Oh, I should mention that I really liked Ariane's straight-forward approach to the subject of nutrition. She's clearly very knowledgeable and I particularly liked that she emphasized that "these are only guidelines and averages" and that we should be "listening to our body."